Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
