you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
