I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
This toilet bowl is my home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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