I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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