I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ladies don't puke and tell
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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