Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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