We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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