i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
