No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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