Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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