Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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