your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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