eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
