Please, let me fuck your mom
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
