I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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