So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
