I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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