If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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