Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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