You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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