I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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