You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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