If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize