Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
