So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
