My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
