wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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