Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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