how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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