My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
