That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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