I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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