I think my fart just growled at me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
