Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
