That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im holly from the hills drunk
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
