I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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