Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
