She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
