The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
love makes seman taste better
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
