And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
