I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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