he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
