Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
