I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
