I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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