she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
third nipple confirmed
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
