got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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