Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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