I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
