No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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