Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She announced her abortion via fbk
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
