she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
