My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
