I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
