you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
