Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
