i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
